The Horse Race

There they are
lined up in on the shelf like orange traffic cones
as many as my grandmother had before she died

If there were natural remedies
or holistic healings
or medical fastings
or christian baptisms in sacred waters
that I trusted as much as these ponies
at this track

I believe that all good things bring the mind body and soul to perfect stasis
but right now, this is a Saratoga horse race in August heat

If I had to bet,
my life savings on this race
it would be Reiki Master to show
and Alternative Therapy to place
and Western Meds to Win.

at least for this leg of the triple crown

Bashing

We forgot that we're
still in Raleigh, when you strapped
your arm around me

Medical Update Part 2

I've been out of the hospital for nearly 2 weeks
trading a poly blend hospital gown for aged blue jeans

I've regained my wardrobe
now that I've lost weight

My calcium rises and falls
like the stock market

I do not know what caused this cancer
maybe something I did (or thought)
perhaps the universe is punishing me
or most likely its random,
no more complicated than a statistic
somehow this makes me feel worse...

there's no use in trying to figure it out
it doesn't change my current body
or the cancer that resides in it

so just for today,
I know recovery is possible....

This is too much

Ask me the difference
between a heart beating and one breaking

or blood that manages
both oxygen and that virus

and velvet horses endlessly circling the trainer's ring
or the mechanical up and down on the carousel

Ask me how old that sequoia is
and I will confirm she lies about her rings

Except for the trout, much can fit
between breathing and living
but today I'm not much for listing.

Medical Update

Day 11 in St Vincents Hospital in Greenwich Village.
I'll be here at least two more days.

I've been out of the intensive care unit for three days now.
still requiring moderate doses of morphine, calcium, and faith.

With one parathyroid gland rebuilt,
the medical team, friends, and family wait patiently
for the refurbished parathyroid to get its foothold
and to produce calcium

I donate blood twice daily to the vampires
the calcium numbers hover between 6 and 7
(what, you ask? I have no idea...)
ever watchful for numbness in the hands and around the mouth
or abnormal muscle constricts

Finally, when that number reached 8, there was mention of going home
this was late Thursday. Then in dropped to 7.8 then 6.8 last night
placing me back on a calcium drip and more calcitrate

I miss my dogs--Buck and Maggie...
I miss showering, I miss not having bruises up and down my forearms
and a constant needle in a vein
I miss blue jeans, I miss restaurant food.
I miss meetings. I miss the Ledge.

but this is where I'm suppose to be right now
So I accept it.

so i continue to learn how to pray, to meditate, to appreciate.....

thank you for your amazing support during this difficult time.
I will stay focused on the bigger picture, and not the calcium number.

Ice Skaters

Racing down the glacier,
I've been monitoring the spot to my left for days now
Moving at the same velocity

I haven't seen life for some time,
no polar bears, seals,
an icebreaker chugging across the pole
and I'm unfazed but it all...

the speed is what keeps me alive
the blinding white from every direction

somewhere in the frosted air
I lose that mark and I continue the down hill descend

The glacier is rougher at this spot,
uncharted territory

When she appears,
(her hand exactly where it is suppose to be)
we touch, synchronize our speed,
our gait, our movements

We never forget the choreography
the sequences are the same
our revolutions, mirroring each other
are perfect, but whose watching,
where are the judges and cheering crowds
on this river frozen since pre-hysteric times?

Most of our skating is solitary, unprofessional, uneven.

but our direction has remained the same,
crossing paths unevenly and unpredictably
over the last 27 years
if only for a short time to continue the routine:
the beautiful choreography that is instinctual
without practice, without speaking.

Her Journey

Our journeys are perhaps identical,
not to the untrained eye.
but experts in the forensics of the heart.

We travel the same blind alleys, suspicious cul-de-sacs,
isolated traffic circles with no exits

we pick up the occasional hitcher
with the sign "To Anywhere"
we sense a kindred spirit,
trust our instincts, and are seldom right.

But never were we shot and left for dead
slumped over our steering wheel,
car horn screaming,
with money, music, and laptop missing

Did we love too much or
expected to love
too much?

She is here now
like she has always been
when leaves are falling, or off season, after 9/11
when it is necessary to comfort, to relate
and never a moment late.

Horse Heads

Their steely eyes and velvet mouths
whether carved in marble or against
a rainy field of relief, are constant.

I slow the Jeep and wave,
a reflexive wave, beyond my control.

If they were God's translator,
do not ask for gains, but guidance
do not ask for more, just to be.

Forgive me for writing this. It was an accident.

This energy that surrounds
me in hospitals and cornfields
on riverbanks and cafes
It resides in that perfect water droplet
on the white petal of this phalaenopsis
reminding me that there are no coincidences

First thoughts from the ICU, recovering from thyroid cancer on November 5

I have hope again
for my future
and this Lady's future

we are not reds and blues, blacks and whites
but recoverers

for every achievement, I learn humility
for each adversity, I seek the lesson.